“Be Good” - What does that mean? Using neutral & direct language with your child.

As an occupational therapist, I hear certain phrases used by parents ALL the time. I would like to start this article by saying that parents you are NOT at fault here. Parents often use these phrases because as humans we have learned these phrases overtime whether it be from growing up, the media, or our own internal story.

For children that have special needs and medical diagnoses, it is very important to use neutral and direct language when we give directions. So, what am I talking about? Let’s start by listing some phrases that I hear parents and caregivers use all the time. Then we’ll go about phrases we can use instead to help promote learning and development without accidental judgement.

1. Child is yelling and screaming. Parent states, “Hey, be good. Why are you acting like that?”

2.  Child is yelling and screaming. Parent states, “Hey, just behave.”

3.  Child is yelling and screaming. Parent states, “Hey, stop doing that.”

4.  Child asks for a snack and hands you a fruit roll-up, “Honey, you need to pick something healthy.”

5.  Child asks for a snack and hands you a bag of chips, “Honey, you need to pick something healthy.”

6.  A blind child says where is this, “It’s over there.”

So, you might not see it yet but there’s a theme here. None of these phrases really tell the child what you want. Also, they are not descriptive and potentially judgmental towards what they are asking for.

Let’s break down numbers 1-3. In these examples, the parents perceive the child as misbehaving, and cues them to behave. However, this cue, while used frequently, doesn’t tell the child what is expected of them. It doesn’t matter if the parent has told them this 1,000 times, in that moment, they must cue the child for what they would like them to do. Here’s a couple examples of some alternatives.

1. “Honey, you need to wait for mommy/daddy/parent to get dressed, please sit on the floor right here (pointing to spot with foot or hand), and then we can talk about what you need.”

2. “Child’s name, we are in Target right now, we need to use a quiet voice while inside.”

3. “I see you’re upset, but we’re not allowed to touch that (while pointing and naming object), maybe we can take a picture instead.”

These are just a couple of examples. You might notice that in these examples, one tries to validate the child as well as telling them exactly what you want them to do by being specific. Now, this is a lot harder than it looks and takes practice. You’ll also notice these examples are a bit longer, if you have a child that does not have that good of verbal comprehension you can shorten them to something like this.

1.  ‘Name’ wait. Sit here” (pointing to spot with foot or hand)

2.  ‘Name’ quiet voice

3.  ‘Name’ mad. No touch. Picture instead

Now these are specific examples and there will be many more instances where phrases could be switched to help better direct the child with neutral and specific language that tells them exactly what you want them to do.

Let’s move onto the other phrases. Here’s a reminder of what those beginning one’s were.

1.  Child asks for a snack and hands you a fruit roll-up, “Honey, you need to pick something healthy.”

2.  Child asks for a snack and hands you a bag of chips, “Honey, you need to pick something healthy.”

3.  A blind child says where is this, “It’s over there.”

Okay and alternatives using neutral and specific language.

1.  “Honey, let’s eat one veggie before our fruit-roll up.”

In this instance we are offering a preferred but different food group first to see If this will be helpful for addressing hunger. If not, then a fruit roll up could be followed by that. There is a tendency for children to pick high sugar snacks when hungry because the brain wants sugar. However, this might not be as sustaining as another food group. Notice we don’t say healthy or unhealthy, we just simply state what the food is.

2.  “Honey, let’s eat one protein like cheese before our chips.”

In this instance we offer something again that may be more sustaining than chips. Notice again we are simply stating what the food is.

3. “It’s on top of your bed by the pillows.”

In this instance saying an item is over there to a blind person is not helpful. It doesn’t tell them where the item is and will lead to confusion and frustration when searching for the item. Instead, we gave a specific cue with directions so that child could find the object on their own, feel empowered, and we more successfully communicated with them helping us bond better over time.

It may seem silly at times but the words we use have a huge impact for the children we serve. Not just as a therapist, but as parents and caregivers too. It’s important to stay neutral and not put judgement on commands or requests. It’s also just as important to be specific about what we want the child to do. This is a learning process and no one’s perfect, not me either. So just continue to practice, and the better you get, you’ll notice less frustration and upset overtime from both your child(ren) and yourself.

Please note: This is an educational blog for parents. These are techniques that you can chose to use or not use. This is simply advice from a licensed therapist to help you and your family improve your overall occupational functioning.

Holly Ross MOT/OTRL/WSI